- If she cries, someone will pick her up. Depending on what time of the day it is and who that someone of the moment is that happen to pick her up, she will either be fed, have her diaper changed, or get her hair brushed. Or some combination of the three.

- She can’t quite get her full hand in her mouth.

- She can get one finger in her nose.

I’m not sure just how monumental this knowledge is to Johanna, but if I were only five-days-old (and self-aware), I’d be pretty impressed with my accomplishments so far. Unfortunately, having self-awareness and 37 years and some months and days over Baby Johanna, I don’t have the luxury to pat myself on the back for mastering what little of the universe that can be reached lying on my back in a bassinet.

But in the five days she’s been in this world, I have learned at least a dozen priceless lessons. Here are just a five of the big ones:

- Miracles happen every day. Johanna’s arrival into the world was a blessing, and a real life example of the third time being the charm. And we aren’t completely in the clear yet, with the little girl working to clear a case of jaundice, which may be common, but the fact that it’s my baby dealing with it worries me personally. Other than that, seeing that little girl with a full head of hair and all ten fingers and ten toes wiggling (as she is mostly screaming) reminds me that I do believe in magic, miracles and the power of prayer.

- Sometimes conflicting thoughts are the only explanation. The sound of a screaming baby is both the most grating and most beautiful sound there is. Because of this it is very important to…

- Be open to suggestions. Johanna is a screaming baby, but my wife was against giving her a pacifier. The pediatricians didn’t put a pacifier in Johanna’s mouth because of her in her mother’s wishes, but gave us one just in case we decided to change our minds about the issue. I took the hint and quickly put the pacifier in the baby’s mouth before her mother could object.

- Time truly is precious. While I was itching for a chance to do some real work during recovery (and I had plenty of work that I could have gotten into), I would be lying if I didn’t say that I have enjoyed the time spent with just my wife and my new baby and I. Seeing that my stepson who was 8-years-old when his mother and I married is a few weeks from turning 17, I already know that time flies whether you are having fun or not. Might as well have fun with it.

- I can sleep wearing my wedding ring. We spent five days in the hospital due to my wife’s healing and Johanna’s working through the little illness. I have documented in the past about my love/hate relationship with wearing my wedding ring, but it only came off my hand once during the five day ordeal when I finally got to take a shower on day three. I have not told this to my wife who almost never takes off her wedding ring, and didn’t want to take it off to deliver the baby.

Paula Deen gave the world this recipe for English Peas: Cook two cans of English peas in a pot with a 1/2 stick of butter. This did not go over well with her fans or her detractors .

The Food Network’s episode of Paula’s Home Cooking titled Hail to the Chief also offered up recipes for Pecan Toffee Tassies, Smothered Quail, and Grits to make a full meal, and the grits recipe could have been the just a simple as the English peas, if not for addition of milk (which I don’t like in my grits) and salt. But I understand the outcry on the interwebs by the public.

As a guy who is trying to write a food recipe blog that often overcomplicates simple steps, I get that cooking has many elements that incorporate art and science. So when the bulk of the technique of a recipe is simply to open the can, a foodie can get a little frustrated.

But I have something I need to say to all my food snob fans out there. Back up off my girl Paula Deen!

The recipe is rated as easy and currently rates at 3 stars with 334 reviews on the Food Network website. If it weren’t for the overwhelming positive response the recipe has gotten since the story went national, I’m sure the overwhelming negative response would still have it at 1 star. But we’re not judging a batch of politicians, an afican war lord, or an accused murderer. This is a old southern lady who does what most old souther ladies do every day: cook with too much oil and butter.

While everyone is entitled to their opinion, there comes a point in many conversations where two sides are just yelling at each other and no one is actually listening to the words being said. The first 10 or 15 snarky comments were funny. As they rounded the corner of a triple digits worth, they just turned sad.

Not that Pauls Deen needs me to defend her at all. But do take a moment next time you want to add your two cents worth of comments to a wishing well overflowing with coins. There is no reason to be rude just to be rude, and worst excuse to defend your actions is to say that everybody is doing it.

Since I’ve been married over eight years, the right answer is obviously ‘my wife.’ Considering she is days away from giving birth to my baby, to say otherwise would be stupid.

If I didn’t have the current wife and almost current kid, I could possible get away with my 20-year crush (and my sister’s favorite Olympic gymnast) Dominique Dawes. But I know better.

But science has gone and found a definite answer that may soon rank among the pantheon of conundrums comparisons, along with paper or plastic, Red Sox or Yankees, and toilet paper rolls going over or under (paper, Yankees, and over for those of you who for some reason don’t know).

Meet Florence Colgate, who at the age of 18 has been declared the most beautiful woman in the world.

Technically, she’s only been dubbed “Britain’s most beautiful face” by the ITV’s lifestyle program Lorraine. The program accepted photos of 8,000 entrants without make-up or cosmic enhancements, and with a ratio of the distance between her ears to the distance between her pupils at the scientific ideal of nearly 2:1, the distance between her eyes to her mouth is just under a third of the distance from her hairline to her chin, Colgate has the distinction of having the most mathematically perfect face in the completion.

And with a pretty face plastered all over the internets, she’s getting a lot of comments. And a lot of comments that say she’s not that pretty.

Let’s start by admitting that yes, Florence Colgate really is that pretty, and if you disagree you’re either a troll or a liar (and probably both). It’s the same line of commenting we saw here in Arkansas after we found out about the affair with University of Arkansas Football Coach Bobby Petrino and his mistress Jessica Dorrell, who may not have been worth losing $21 million dollars over, but she too is that pretty.

A leggy blond like Dorrell will turn most men’s heads, and assuming that Colgate is more than a disembodied head (I’ve seen no pictures other that the headshot attached to the news stories from her Facebook page), I’m sure she gets a fair amount of attention as well. “Britain’s most beautiful face” might not fit as your your ideal type of woman, but if women are your type, I’m sure she would match up to most of the items on your checklist.

But it’s not even about how pretty she is. It’s about getting people talking about her, the contest she won, the show that ran the contest and the sponsors who paid for it. None of which I care about, but I dedicated over 450 or so words on at this point in the post. Florence Colgate is now a point of global debate that will last at least a few days, until another mostly useless filler story, or possibly a few actually relevant stories, take over our mind space.

Oh, and I almost forgot to ask: do you think Florence Colgate is the most beautiful woman in the world? For this question, I won’t imply a right or wrong answer. For toilet paper going over the roll, there is no debate.

Oh boy, was last night not the night to turn in early in the state of Arkansas.

University of Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long announced the firing of head football coach Bobby Petrino during a primetime news conference that cut into network programming (more on that in a bit). As I gathered the pieces to report the news today, I tucked away a few ideas that might make for a few good life lessons from the whole ordeal. Lessons Coach Petrino might even heed himself, if he finds himself another coaching job:

Don’t Embarrass Your Family: Bobby Petrino was hired with a lot of baggage in Atlanta, and he added a few sets as he made his way to Arkansas. His initial reason for withholding information about the motorcycle crash was to protect his family from bringing up a previous indiscretion. Turns out this indiscretion was $18-21 million dollars worse. I’m not so sure the current Mrs. Petrino is all that happy about being a laughing stock of the social scene and lighter in the wallet.

Don’t Lie To Your Boss (Or People Who Cover For You): The crime of infidelity is personal, but can be worked out. The crime of paying off your girlfriend then giving her a job that doubles her salary is unethical, but still can be worked out. Bobby Petrino misled the rabid fan base that is the Razorback Nation, and flat out lied to his boss. Even as Long tried to keep Petrino, Petrino’s arrogance apparently would not allow him to play ball and accept the sanctions that would go along with keeping his job. One of the first lessons I learned in the military was never to let your boss be surprised, because it makes him look bad. This situation made Jeff Long look really bad.

Don’t Do Anything That Will Bring About Suspicion: Arkansas is a state that does not have a mandatory helmet law for motorcyclist, which is why it is such a favorite place for bike rallies. Bobby Petrino had every right to ride his Harley-Davidson on this past ill-fated April’s Fool Day without a helmet. His problem was being highest paid state employee and the de-facto face of Arkansas (sorry on both counts Governor Mike Beebe). One would assume that having a leggy blond on the back of your bike who is not your wife (and wearing a helmet) and rolling through the Ozarks would be a little risky. If not for this bizarre motorcycle accident, we might not have known about this mess. Until someone sees the football coach dropping off the leggy blond who is not his wife at a service station to pick up her parked car and puts two and two together.

Talent Can Equal A Lot Of Forgiveness, But Some Things Are Unforgivable: Multiple infidelities mean you either have a serious problem with the notion of celibacy and commitment, or you have a serious problem with the person you are supposed to be legally celibate with and committed to. Lying to your boss and coworkers mean you really have something to hide. If you are lucky enough to have fans or followers, lying to them shows that you not worth their admiration. All of these things do make you a jerk. Bobby Petrino would not be the first college football coach to be considered a jerk (the past champion coaches are proof of that), but even a National Championship in the Natural State can’t make up for having your assumption that the entire fan base, who contribute to your salary with ticket sales, foundation donations and tax revenue (you do coach at a state school after all), are idiots.

Do Not Cheat On Your Spouse: This one should be obvious. Obviously, it was not to Bobby Petrino. If you don’t want the burden of fidelity that comes with marriage vows, and you’re already married, get a divorce. Make sure your do it before you decide your secretary/tennis coach/old friend from high school who you recently found on Facebook is your soul mate. If you’ve not married yet, forget the yet part. Never get married. And never share a residence with someone you share a bed with.

Do Not Upset The Gleeks: The primetime press conference broke into network television last night, a night that apparent included a pivotal episode of Glee on Fox. Gleeks (what the fans of the show call themselves) were not thrilled that they missed the second half of the program and that they don’t yet know when they will get to see the conclusion. Fans that do not frequent the internet to catch up on shows are currently out of luck, unless they plan on visiting someone out of state with the show on DVR. They are not happy. Expect trouble from the Gleeks when football starts this fall, regardless of whom is making the calls on this field in Fayetteville.

Here is a little advice: In order to climb higher up the wall, you need to let go of the lower rungs.

A little more advice: In order to climb higher faster, you need to let go of the lower rungs without thinking of letting go of the lower rungs.

By the way, climbing the wall is a metaphor for moving forward in life.

Agonizing over change and refusing to let go of the past prolongs the process of moving forward. Looking back toward the past is fine, but it also happens to be a luxury we humans have because we now regularly live past the age of 35. When you have more history to reflect upon, you find plenty of time to reflect and worry and bemoan and doubt.

If you want to get to the top of the wall, wondering how long the rung you are currently holding will support you will not get you there. Reaching up to grab the next rung will.

If you want to get ahead in your career, move past a sour relationship, or actually work up the strength to tackle some sort of physical challenge (like, scaling a climbing wall perhaps), there needs to be some forward movement, followed by more forward movement, followed by even more forward movement, until the momentum you need builds.

That is no exaggeration. I was in college on an Air Force ROTC scholarship to study Engineering, I was failing Calculus I. I was doing so poorly that when I went to my professor for help, he suggested I retake Algebra I.

I ended up dropping the class and losing my scholarship. I went home for the quarter break and after sleeping for 36 hours straight, my dad came into my room and asked what were my intentions when the break was over in two weeks, because I wasn’t going to stay in the house for free. A few swipes of a few credit cards later, and my classes were paid up until I could get my loans squared away . . . but that is a story for another time. This is about me nearly failing out of college.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED . . .

Needing a new major, I counted my credits I had earned, and found that I actually had more credits In the College of Business than I did for the College of Engineering, so a business major I was bound to be, with a focus in Human Resource Management, which was merely a coin flip of a decision. I still needed to complete my math requirement, and since they had a Business Calculus course, and I had just completed suffered through most of a quarter of real calculus, I figured I could struggle my way through.

After to dropping Business Calculus that quarter, I was forced into the realization that if I did not pass this class eventually, I could not advance to junior status. Then the unimaginable happen.

TEACHING A MAN TO FISH HELPS YOU LEARN TO FISH

A Freshman ROTC cadet was lined up to take business Calculus, and knew he needed help, and asked me as a ‘wise upperclassman’ to tutor him through. I had to become smart enough not only to pass the class on my own, but to successfully teach it to another student who believed he was worse off than I was me, even if it were possible that the reverse were actually true.

I took on the challenge, and we both passed Business Calculus. Barely. But as an undergrad, a C is all you needed to pass, and Cs are what we earned.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU?

But what does this have to do with your business success, you ask? It goes back to your target market, and a little bit of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ magic.

There are plenty of potential clients out there that know enough (or at least believe they know enough) about the work you can perform for them to needle you with questions and situations that they use to test out your knowledge and skill in of your industry (and/or their superiority). You may or may not be able to convince these people to choose you over any other firm they can name drop. But you don’t have to.

Why not? Because there are plenty of potential clients that need your services that don’t have a clue how you would go about getting it done. And while some may have a sense of curiosity, most will not even care, as long as you come in on time and on budget. Do that, and don’t gloat, and they will be more than happy to pay you to be the smartest guy in the room.

Seek out clients that need your services and don’t have the desire to try to drain you of cheap consulting advice so they can do the job themselves. These are people and business that you will prove to be more successful than in your particular field. And this is a good thing, because they need you to be more successful at what you do then they are.

This can result in a painful blow to your psyche if you are going through a long patch where seemingly nothing is going right.

I also believe that one of the most dangerous things you can possess is hope. It is the fuel that lifts an underdog to victory over the favorite. It is also a driver that will take you over a cliff without any warning but plenty of enthusiasm if you begin to believe a little too much in yourself.

More often than you may like, your road to success will lead you directly through a mountain pass of setbacks or a valley of insane conditions. Beyond that, you’ll probably find your way traveling through a long stretch of desert filled with miles of doubt and despair.

I hate having to be a downer, but this is a constant feeling for many of us who have been brave enough to put forth the effort to break away from the mundane and into the extraordinary. Stepping away from the crowd is hard, but it is also the easiest part in getting ‘there,’ wherever your ‘there’ happens to be.

I can’t tell you not to go on or not to give up. Only you know if your idea has run its course, or still has enough life to continue to put up a stand. I can tell you that you have the power to accomplish just about anything. Even if your current idea isn’t panning out it doesn’t mean that one of the dozens of other ideas you put on the shelf to pursue this one does not have a chance.

Maybe you needed to learn something from a few past failures to ensure the success of one of those shelved ideas. Maybe you needed to learn something from a few failures to ensure the success of the one you are pursuing right now.

As many times as I’ve been knocked down in both past and current projects, I still find a way to get on my feet, dust myself off and try something again. It might be foolhardy, but how many people were called fools before they proved the world wrong?

Look for me when you finally make it ‘there.’ I don’t intend to be too far behind.

I don’t know your personal health story, but you essentially have a 50/50 shot of waking up every morning regardless of how well you personally treat your body. (and yes, there is always the chance that something could happen to you, but it is not likely).

According to the Small Business Association, over 50% of small businesses will fail in the first five years. That’s still better that the odds of picking five white balls and one red ball at random. And many of those small business risks can be easily mitigated through smart planning that many of those small business owners fail to do as they get wrapped up in the excitement of running a business.

And then there are the sayings ‘you make your own luck’ or ‘your luck is what you make it.’ Both say the same thing, the odds of your success can always be in your favor, assuming you work to make sure they are in your favor.

So you don’t have to feel desperate if you find yourself standing in line to get a few Mega Millions multi state lottery tickets today. Just make sure you stick to just a few, and don’t base your future happiness on the way the balls fall tonight.

A client that wants you to come in, get your job done, take their check, and never, ever have contact with them again is more common. But assuming they say out of your way and pay on time, they too can be wonderful.

Your true problem client is one that is indifferent to your work and your presence. They are not micromanaging you, but they are doing very little to help you help them. They may even be a hindrance due to their non-committal attitude and non-committal decision making.

Have any tips for getting commitments from the non-committal? Share away…